I blame Spybot
by DotTheAmazing
Summary: Free samples. Didn't select anything, did I? Oh wait... the units... crud. Where do I board eight men plus my sister and I in a house for six? Based on LolliDictator's Hetalia manuals. T for language and- implications.


**A/N:** Be mad at me all you like for self inserting, because I did. If you don't like self-inserts, don't read.****

Today I am trawling DeviantArt for fluffy GerIta pics, when Firefox crashes. Again. So I run Spybot. Again. But first, I click the little "check for updates" button, because my dad said I should do that first. Before they moved out, of course. Since my family is far from normal, instead of the college-age daughters moving out, the parents and little brothers moved. I have no idea why. Probably because they decided it would be easier than bailing the two of us (my sister and I) out when we failed to pay bills.

Anywaz, since next week is the wonderful date that it is, I will turn 21! Golden Birthday! WOOT! WOOT! I hope to get a 3DS, with Ocarina of Time! Anywaz, I check for updates, and a little loady screen appears. Finally, a window pops up, and I click 'Download' for the single upgrade. Then it gives me a site for checking for updates faster, which I write down for remembrance later.

A few hours later, when the computer finishes running Spybot, I pull up the beautiful internet and decide to check the site. Maybe it will have a button to make me not have to manually check for updates! It's so annoying! Huh. I sound like Italy... Awesome! PASTAAAAAAA!

After my bout of insanity, I look at the site. There is indeed a button to install a program that will do just what I want! I click, and it pops up another boring installation window. I click through it, until it makes me choose a sponsor ad to fill out. I always hate these parts of things. I hesitate, considering whether or not it is all a scam, but decide that Spybot sponsors can be trusted.

Wading through the list of sponsors, I find one at the bottom that sparks my interest. Some Japanese name I can't read or pronounce, followed by the word 'Anime'. I have no idea what the Japanese says, but there would probably be better spam from an anime company than, say- I look at the next sponsor up and wince- Viagra.

The screen has surprisingly few boxes to fill out. Name, for which I put my nickname, Jo. Address, which I leave true. After all, I could always change it later, if I needed to. I enter my real e-mail and phone number under the same basis. Finally, there is a drop-down list of animes to choose from. Seeing as they don't have Fruits Basket or Fullmetal Alchemist, the first thing that catches my eye is Hetalia. Deciding that I won't pick anything better than that, I select it.

The next screen is a list of characters from the show, each with a click-able tally box, under the question, '_Who would you want to live with?_' Huh. Unusual question. I select Italy, America, and England without even thinking twice. Oh, and Canada! Who could forget Canada? After some deliberation, France too. If we lived together, I could probably get him not to perv on me. Probably. Anyways, I need help to make sure I don't forget my 9 years of French classes. And to help on my 10th year, soon to begin. Yes, I'm not yet 21 in my Senior year of college. Deal. Hmm... Korea and China would be good too, since China's great, and Korea can be convinced not to grope me if I befriend Russia, so he should be invited too. Oh, and then Prussia. His awesomeness would make a good counterpart to mine. But not romantically! God no! Not even as a final twist in a romantic comedy! He's too old.

So, once I've checked- well, all but the too-trigger-happy-for-my-tastes Switzerland, a little box pops up. I exit it without even reading it, clicking through the policy agreements, unchecking anything that says I will install an unwanted toolbar or program. Normal tedious stuff. When I'm done, a final window pops up.

"Congratulations! You have passed our survey! As a reward, you will receive a free sample of every product you marked as wanted! We hope you enjoy your products! Expect the first delivery within ten business days. Click 'Yes' to continue." I went ahead and clicked. After all, I haven't marked any products. Thank God, this actually causes the stupid Spybot thingumabob to install. I reboot the stupid machine, letting it run Spybot again as I go to bed, reminding myself my sister will be staying at my house for the next year, even though she already graduated. She's just too cheap to get her own apartment now she's moved out of the dorms. Lucky me. I sigh as I crawl into my bed, thinking how nice it will be to have someone to talk to who understands that Feli is a fictional character, not my boyfriend.

* * *

><p>I wake up happy. My birthday is tomorrow! Yippie-kay-yay! Wow. How Toy Story of me. I think. Whatever that's from. Anywaz, Caty, my sis, is due to arrive any minute now. Due to my obsessiveness, I can't do anything but stare out the window in boredom. Finally, after a whole five minutes, her dinky little blue car pulls up. It's not much, but neither is my little Prius. She staggers over to the door with all of her luggage, or at least, all she can carry.<p>

"Some help would be appreciated, Joa." Huh. She's the only one who calls me that anymore. The rest of the family has picked up my friends' habit of calling me Jo. Stubborn idjit.

"Well, I'm sure it would be."

"No help, no present!"

"Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!" I laugh, sauntering down to pull three more bags from the trunk. Silly sister! I knew she would come up with something to make me help. It isn't _my_ fault I'm so good at not doing work!

She laughs, her best evil Muahaha. It sucks. At least, I pretend it does. Dratted evil sister! "Mine is an evil laugh! Now die!"

I finish the quote, grinning my face off. "Oh no! Oh God! Oh dear God in heaven!" Once the bags are put down, it escalates into a full-blown noodle duel. Pool noodles, not pasta. Pool noodles cut into thirds.

Parrying about one out of every five of her hits, I cackle. "There is something I have not told you sister! I am not left handed! Muahahahahaha! Oh crap! There goes my right sword! Never mind!" About ten minutes of awesome later, we collapse in giggles. I roll over and hug her. "Good to see you again, psychotic idjit."

She grabs a noodle and whacks me. "Love ya too, you nut job." After a moment of sisterly bonding, she bites me on the arm. After another minute of noodle fighting, we actually lug all of the stuff up to the room we shared as kids. It's been repainted, and the beds have been replaced with a bunk bed sized for adults, not kids, but otherwise it's pretty similar. We spend the rest of the day getting her settled in, and making an awesome pizza dinner. Just like old times. Man, this whole day is a callback! We go to sleep, but not before spending an entire hour spazzing about something. I don't even know what. But who cares? She fell asleep after half an hour anyways.

* * *

><p>My birthday! WOOT WOOT WOOT! I feel the need to go out and buy some ice-cream and other junk food to celebrate. But no alcohol! My parents have let me try little sips before, and I can't <em>stand<em> the stuff! But you know what? I will buy some, just because I can now. Oh yes. I'll probably end up giving it to my friends. Speaking of friends, they'll probably want to celebrate somehow. I hope it's nothing like last year's 'party'. It was terrible. A complete fiasco.

While out, I decide to buy myself a bit of reading material too. Namely, the latest Hetalia volume. But the store I went to doesn't have it, so I order one, to arrive in a month. As I drive home, I blast that one Beatles birthday song, from the White Album. I'm probably the only person strange enough to know the album of a song, but not the title. When I finally pull into the garage, I'm beaming. "Happy happy happy happy happy~" I sing to myself, with no real tune. Then, I have to walk inside.

It's too quiet. Caty should be raiding my stash of anime, or watching Doctor Who for the fiftieth time, or blaring radio. But she isn't. I drop off my bags, stopping only to shove the ice-cream away, and walk into the living room. Where I see a huge box, open on the floor, with Caty standing next to it. Staring inside.

"Um, what's so interesting about a box?" Besides the awesome blue box, which is awesome. But this box is plain wood.

"Hm?" She didn't seem to notice my arrival, and I begin to worry for her health. "Y- You might want to read this." She hands me a large packet of paper. I glance at the first line, and am reduced to a stuttering mess.

"**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own FELICIANO VARGAS unit! In order to allow you full access to all of your unit's wonderful traits, we have provided this manual. Reading it is highly advised to avoid any undesirable situations involving a furious older brother unit."

"WHAT THE EFFING BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON!" Caty flinches at my shout.

"I have no idea. I really don't. I answered the door when someone rang the bell. It was a delivery person who had just dropped off the box. He was going back to his van. It- it said Flying Mint Bunny. As in, England's fairy friend."

"Okay, now I know something's wrong. You don't usually hallucinate. So, what's in the box?"

"I don't know. I pulled this out first, and read through it. That's about when you got home. All I can see beneath the packaging is a little curl sticking out the top. I- You'll think I'm crazy, but I think that's _actually_ Italy inside." I scoff at her stupidity. Seriously. Italy? He's fictional. But... the box is there... And then I see the label on the manual, or whatever this packet is.

The same company as I filled out that survey for at the sponsor thing on Spybot. It said I would get free samples of all purchases. I marked down Italy. Less than ten days later, I got what may or may not be Italy in the mail. Crap crap crap crap. Who else did I mark? America- not too bad. Might get annoying. England- pretty good, as long as he doesn't cook. Canada- sweet, cute, pretty much flawless. France- oh crud. France. Korea- oh God. He'll grope me in public. China- He's fine. Russia- oh God, I'm doomed. And Prussia- annoying as hell, but can be used to distract Russia for me. Caty is giving me a look. A look that says I have just lost it. Again.

"You're right. It's Italy. Stupid survey. Well. How do we wake him up?" Caty gives me a look of utmost bewilderment. "He's asleep! That means we need to wake him up! How do we do that?"

She shifts uncomfortably, meaning she doesn't want to say something. "Well, the manual said... One way is to- pull the curl."

"Wait. Pull the curl? Isn't that, you know... dirty? It's, like- his erogenous zone, or something. Like- like-" I stutter, unable to say it, but she gets the drift.

"The manual says that if we pull the curl, he'll freak and be adorable. I'm fine with that!"

I look at the manual, and see a much more appealing option. "Why don't we just put the lid on and make some pasta? It says that'll wake him up, AND he'll glomp us when we let him out!" I blush a little at the thought. He's so cute~ But totally taken! He's Germany's! I wish I had marked that I wanted Germany, but there was no option to. I should save up some money and order one... "Let's do that."

"NO! I'm pulling the curl! There aren't any Lovinos around to get mad, as far as I know, and he's so cute when you pull it!" She reaches down to pull it, but I push her over.

"No! My Ita-chan!" Wait. Why did I just use a Japanese honorific? I don't even take Japanese... And why did I call him mine? "I'm pulling it!" Without further ado, I reach down and give it a small tug.

Instantly, he wakes up, sitting up and curling into a little ball.

"Oh my god... Chibitalia!" It's true, too! Our Feliciano is not a fully grown man like we expected, but an adorable chibi? I can deal with that~! The little boy is still blushing, and I bend down and pick him up.

"It's okay, little guy. You're safe. Nobody's going to hurt you now. You're safe." He looks up at me innocently, still red-faced.

"Ve~! Who- who are you?" OHMYGAWD ADORABLE! Little Chibitalia is so cute~! I'm such a fangirl...

"I'm Johanna, and this is my sister, Caty. You can call me Joa or Jo for short."

"Ve~ Jo is a boy's name! I'll call you Joa! And hi Caty!" OHMYGAWD! I'm struck dumb by his cuteness. He looks up at me nervously, and whispers in my ear. "Sh- she's scary..." I smile warmly, trying to comfort him.

"She is kinda scary, isn't she? But don't worry. She won't hurt you." He looks happy again, all worry forgotten.

"Ve~ Do you have any pasta?" I grin, and carry him to the kitchen.

"Plenty! I just went shopping, and bought lots of pasta! And you have a special kit to make some, too!"

"Ve~! Pasta is good!" He suddenly blushes, and I want to eat him up, I love him so! "C- can I make some?"

"Of course you can, Feli!" He smiles brightly. Caty has been watching the entire time, stunned almost into silence.

"So- we're keeping him?" I stare at her in confusion. Why wouldn't we? "Because the manual says we can send him back for a fully grown version." Little Feli looks about ready to cry, being told Caty doesn't want him.

"Of course we're keeping him! Why wouldn't we? Older Feli isn't as adorable, or easy to manage! He's better like this! Now, go get his kit from the box." He grins hugely, and jumps down from my arms, dragging over a stool so he can work on the pasta. Less than thirty minutes later, we are treated to a lunch of gourmet pasta.

"Feli, this is really good!" He beams adorably, and I get an idea. A horribly wonderful idea! "Feli, the manual said you like working. Is that right?"

"Ve~ Yes! I like to work, because it's easy, and it's something to do!" I grin at Caty, who I can tell is thinking the same thing.

"Feli... Would you mind cleaning up our house?"

"Ve~ Of course not! It's the least I can do after you've fed me and given me somewhere to stay!" Which raises a question. Where _will_ he stay? I talk it over with Caty after lunch, and she agrees that we should put him in our brothers' old room. It's been refitted similarly to ours, because Caty thought she would run a bed and breakfast out of our house. A stupid idea, but if eight more people are moving in, totally necessary. Italy goes in the boys' room, and we'll buy a Holy Rome to room with him. France can go in the basement, and Russia too. There's three beds down there, so Korea as well, I guess. Prussia and China can sleep in the attic, leaving America and England to sleep in mom and dad's room! Wait... They'll have to share a bed... But oh well! I have a feeling that they can be made not to mind~.

Italy makes us more pasta for dinner, and Caty somehow produces a cake. Feli is astonished to learn it's my birthday, but we both assure him his arrival is a good enough present. Anywaz, he can count becoming our personal servant as his gift, if he doesn't like the first option.

* * *

><p>Once he falls asleep, I read the manual again. It says how to get him ready to reprogram, but not how... I try voice commands.<p>

"Um... Reprogram?" To my astonishment, he sits up, even though his eyes stay closed. The little Italy's back opens up, actually _opens up_, under his little nightgown. I pull up the nightgown, revealing his back,turned into a keyboard and computer screen. Looking closer, it appears to be a touchscreen, seeing as there is no mouse. I tap a folder marked 'REPROGRAM', as the obvious option.

Inside, there are about thirty programs, each with a clear label. I only open the first one, because it's late, and I'm tired. The folder is titled 'Owner', and I'm curious as to what it'll say. Inside is a Word file, but it's all computer jargon. It might make sense if I knew what it meant, but I don't. However, there is also an audio file, labeled 'First Thoughts' which should be interesting.

"I'm scared! Someone pulled my curl! It felt really weird... Like, nice, but wrong... But there was a nice girl there! She's like Hungary, but not scary at all! She's pretty too! Ve~ I think I like her! She's my new owner, so I love her a lot! But the other girl is scary... Joa says she's nice, though, so I'll try to like her to!" I can't help but hug the unconscious Italy. Poor kid, I guess pulling the curl will leave him scarred for life. Hmm... I could use that to my advantage...

I shake off all inappropriate thoughts as I shut the cover, returning Chibitalia to a normal state of sleep. I pull down the nightgown, deciding that I'll look at the other folders later. Now, it's time for me to get some rest as well.

* * *

><p>As I doze off, Italy sneaks into my room. He looks at the back of my head, decides that I'm sleeping, and crawls in with me. I smile as he cuddles up to me. I would be worried that I'm sleeping with a guy, but this is the emotional and physical equivalent of a little kid after a nightmare. Anywaz, I'm snuggling Chibitalia, my friends are coming over to my party tomorrow, and all is right with the world.<p>

Crap. The party's tomorrow. I'm doomed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Long chapter is LOOOOOOOOOONG...**

**DISCLAIMER TIMEZ! Credit for making the manuals goes to LolliDictator. I own no Hetalia, or Spybot, Firefox, 3DSes, or anything in this chapter. But I do own a Wii, and a water bottle, and a half-bag of Cheez-its! Wait... My parents technically own all of that. Well, at least I own me! Hang on, I think my parents own me, too. Rats.**

**Well well well. Be mad at me all you like for self inserting. There is no other way for me to write this kind of story. The middle section is actually what happens in a normal day at my house... My life is random! No seriously! It happened! There is no such Spybot page, if anyone's curious. Not at all. A bonus point and possible reward to the person who can tell me: What funny analogy is made by the madman with a box's girlfriend's ex in Season Two, Episode four? You can suggest a reward...**

**To anyone curious, their order of appearance is the order I marked them in on the survey. I know how I'm waking France, but others are open to suggestion! Please don't suggest something not in the manual. They aren't responsible for anything that happens to me if they didn't suggest it.**** Also feel free to tell me I suck! It helps! Really! As long as I know why I suck, it will make me better.  
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**EDIT: I fixed an error with Johanna's nicknames, and added a bit to the end. Because the actual programming is not described in the manual, I took creative liberties.  
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